| "Hi" |
[06 Oct 2004|08:12pm] |
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I wanna update, but i dunno what to say, so i'll just say hi..."Hi" :0)
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| life is a boring, ironic, cruel joke :D |
[18 Sep 2004|10:10am] |
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mood |
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BORED, DEPRESSED |
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i dunno about the rest of you, but right now, life just kinda seems to be a joke. i am 17 years old and i have no lisence, no car, no job and a curfew of 12. whenever my relatives are about to curse in front of me they look at me like a fuckin deer caught in headlights and then say "excuse my language Caitlin" and then proceed to whisper the "bad word". my father wants me to go away for college, but doesn't think i can handle moving to the city, which is the only place besides california i wanna be, and he wants me to learn to be responsible with money, but doesnt want me to get a job...WTF?! HOW THE HELL CAN I LEARN HOW TO MANAGE MY MONEY IF I DONT HAVE ANY?! the only money i have comes from him, and even if i took care of that money, it's his money, not mine, so i'd still be a fucking little spoiled JAP. i really dont know what this world wants from me but whatever it is, it needs to stop. cuz it's just not happening. i don;t know why i'm so wierd and why i can't just sit myself down and say to myself "this is life, these are the things you HAVE to do to make it in this world, just like everybody else, you are no different from everyone else." but for some reason that's REALLY hard for me. i just keep dreaming of all these things i know will probably never come true, but for some reason i still have hope for them. and i know i have so much in life and i should be so happy and thankful for what i have, but it always seems like the things i really REALLY want and even need sometimes, i just cant have. ever. it just seems so funny how u can look back at memories and pictures and know that you were unhappy at that time in your life, but looking back at the picture knowing that it was a happy moment in that sad time period and u just wonder "why?, why was that period in my life so bad...i was having so much fun back then." i was actually looking at a picture with someone the other day and we were both just smiling at it...but then i realized that in some strange chain of events,things changed and EVERYTHING in that picture was no longer true, and that time of our life was over. and i know that months from now, i'll look back and ask myself why this period in my life was so bad, cuz it'll seem better than what i have then. life needs to get better. something really exciting and fun needs to happen and soon. because i can't take much more of the normal everyday thing. school has just started and already i can't take it. i need to do something crazy, anyone wanna join me? cuz i'm bored and depressed and for those of you who have seen garden state i need to find my infinate abyss, but more importantly i need a MIRACLE.
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[08 Sep 2004|11:06pm] |
soo woo! school is officially back in session. it started off with a real BANG! this year with the premier of the drew messina show, which me and chris both decided was like watching a bad car crash...you don't really wanna watch but for some reason you just can't look away... "STUPID REMOTE!", "I DON'T WANNA GO TO SOME JUVENILE AQUARIUM!" aww drew is SUCH a drama queen haha. all my classes seem cool excpet for math cuz math makes me wanna die, but the only class i really have anyone in, is pig ist period with steve and mikey d. (the cool one, not the ghetto one who lives on the other side of my block). i'm really excited about media and photo too. i've always awanted to try and now thanks to some new-found, but greatly appreciated inspiration, i'm gunna take the most beautiful pics of sumsets EVER for photo. i don't care if that has nothing to do with the assignment lol, sunsets are pretty. i'm also superexcited about starting boces tomorrow! i can't wait!
half my day is going to be filled with singing and acting! how awesome is that?! well i guess i should go to sleep now, i'm pretty damn tired.
i wonder if the glow i see is the sunset
or just the orange burn of your cigarette...
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[03 Sep 2004|04:33am] |
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ok i really just hafta vent about something that's been killing me for the past few days. ok so about a week ago i had someone i considered a best friend now all of a sudden i don't and it's for reasons that i can't really control because it's based on how i feel. what the FUCK?! so i spend hours at a time just thinking about this one thing and beating my brains out just because i need to do something for myself? just because i need to do something means i have to lose a friend. i can't take it. ya know i would be so happy if it weren't for making this decision but it's a decision that i know i need to make...but i didn't know i'd have to lose something so important to me because of it. if only this one thing were small and didn't matter much, then i'd be a really happy person, because since california for the first time in a while i was really happy, and now because of this whole thing i am not so happy a lot of the time. maybe in a way i deserve it, but i can't help it so do i really deserve this? i dunno all i know is that it hurts and i just want everything to be better.
Let Go-frou frou
Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
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| uhhhh wow...drama much? |
[01 Sep 2004|05:31am] |
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so tonight was awesome. i went out with evan, dan hoffman, and his gf natalie (spelling?)to huntington and saw the princess diaries 2 for the second time...garden state was just too much for dan to handle what with his adhd and all...so sumthing light and easy to make fun of was the better choice lol. since it was only us four and another couple in the theatre we all made fun of everything the whole entire movie and once the other couple got up and left half way through dan and evan decided to scream at the top of their lungs and dan and natalie had an adorable dance during a musical part....i've never seen so much popcorn in my life. dan and evan both got these huge bags of popcorn and we all kept throwing it at eachother and finally at one point dan just dumped his whole thing all over me and evan...man i feel bad for whoever had to clean that up...after the movie dan drove his gf home and evan and i were visited outside the theatre by some blues singing, harmonica playin, butterfly knife, um, owning? uh skinheads...highly amusing. then on the way home...taco bell ("you want 8 number eights?"..."no...i want A number eight!")so yea fun night there...then home at 2 am without my dad knowing and got invloved with two huge conversations online at the same time. woo!okay maybe i shudnt comment on this cuz it's really none of my business but as far as i know ur all still my friends so i feel i must put a word in. there is sooo much drama sometimes! but guys...we're only 17...can't we just let it go sometimes? people talk, people talk back...it makes me pissed and it makes me cry and it hurts me too, but guys we have ONE YEAR left together...suck it up, let it go and apologize to eachother...then after this year if u still really don't like them, you never hafta see them ever again...it's that simple. and yes i do know that my best friends said things behind my back...I DON'T CARE! like i didn't vent about them when i was in a fight with them? it happens. whoever says they have never talked about anyone behind theyre back is LYING TO ALL HELL!!! i can honestly say i've heard that all my close freinds have talked about me behind my back at least once...but it was during rough times between us so why shud it matter...those tough times are over and we've moved on face it we're human...therefore we talk. it may sound horrible but let's face it...it's the truth guys...so let's just forget about it if i listened to everything anyone ever said about me i'd be DEAD by now. just live and have fun and try to see things through the eyes of others sometimes...just let it go. both sides need to just LET IT GO.
and okay wow... <3 all the love in the world now belongs to you...woah
i love you, with the calming effect of nicotine i need no cigarette, with your intoxicating beauty i need no alcohol, with the majesty of a drug you make me spin in circles in happiness and only three words can truly describe the effect youve had on me, and i speak those three words with all the honesty i have, and all the integrity in me. i love you.
and finally a little something i wrote this morning...it just came to me...nothing great, but something true
i think i've finally come to see
that you and i could never be
all your detested oddities
keep pushing you away from me
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| awesomeness! |
[31 Aug 2004|01:07pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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omg the scavenger hunt was...AMAZING! it was sooo much fun. i'm so glad we did that as like a last summer bash kinda thing...we totally needed it! we won! 20.5 babay! leanne, sarah chris a. chris w....i love u guys...together we can do anything...i miss your sock too chris...we all will. the rest of the day prior to the legendary scavenger hunt was er um interesting? went to see the WORST movie ever with one of the coolest people ever so ummmm, i guess it kinda balanced out? it was fun even tho both of us were late and the movie sucked we made it work lol. then after the movie...apple pie...mmmmmm. before the movies went shopping for beads with kristen and spent 22 bux! lol how the hell did i manage that one? lol i NEED to make more bracelets! i love beads, ashlee simpson and kristin lol. so yea it was a pretty
good
frickin day!
and now a poem from one of the coolest guys i know...
the ocean whispered to me one day, over crashing waves it spoke, secrets poured from it;s soul and it talked to me like an old friend. it whispered to me the meaning of line, it spoke of happiness, it spoke of her. the breeze joined in and together in a symphony they created the most beautiful music i have ever heard. and we talked for what seemed like days. as the sun set in shades of pink the sky faded into the deepest most beautiful blue my eyes have ever seen, and tonight the stars were brighter than ever, as if peek holes to the heavens, in them, i saw beauty. And the ocean in it's infinite wisdom continued to speak. Although the language was foreign i understood every word, and it changed me. lying on my back the sand cushioned my body with a loving warmth, i stared into the sky, watched as the stars twinkled in their endless beauty, and the moon elegantly strode accross the midnight sky. And i listened to the ocean tell stories and i listened for hours, and then the sun began to sneek above the horizon, and as it rose i said my goodbyes to the ocean, farewell to the sand, and aurevoire to the breeze. but before i left the ocean gave me one last piece of advice that i heard clearer than anything else i had heard. "go to her" and the breeze whispered her name in my ear, and i swear as i walked off that beach the sand embraced m every step, i looked back before i left, adn ocean called out once more, "go to her" but i didnt need the breeze to tell me her name.....wow evan
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[29 Aug 2004|01:43am] |
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mood |
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whatever, mellow i guess? |
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Things
i can't straighten my hair forever
when it's always gunna curl up
i can't talk about here until never
when here is where i've always been stuck
so don't keep me waiting cuz i can move on
and though i'm always with you someday i'll be gone
and i always need a hug
but still push you away
theres no room for love
but i feel romantic today
chorus:
but let's be safe
and throw everything out
let's just wait
and hold our hearts for now
cause working's overrated
my lock doesn't have a key
the one i never hated
seems so wrong for me
i'll lay my head against the pillows
but i know sleep will never come
let me laugh with weeping willows
inside the gardens i come from
the beaches of eternity hold the sands of time
crystal water clarity reveals all that is mine
and melodies will play
and help to pass the time
but every word you say
contradicts each rhyme
chorus
so many things
a wall of shadows
such little things
can tip the scales of the heart
so many things
have left us lonely
frustrating things
make it tough for us to part
chorus
so many things
such little things
frustrating things
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| i love california...NOTHING'S IMPOSSIBLE AND DREAMS COME TRUE!!! *wish upon a star*! |
[26 Aug 2004|02:11am] |
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mood |
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SOOOO HAPPY!!! |
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omg california was AMAZING!!! IT WAS SOOOO AWESOME! it was the most fun i've had in a while. seriously unbelieveably good time it was very much needed 2. the first 2 days kinda sucked and i was just in a bad mood but then the third day we went 2 mission beach (I WANNA MOVE THERE!)and I LEARNED HOW 2 SURF!!! i had a really good cool instrutor named ryan who really really helped a lot. i definately wouldn't have been able to get up without his help. surfing is actually pretty hard and so tiring...but omg there is just nothing else like it. it feels so amazing it really does, it's such a RUSH! it was so awesome it really was. all of mission beach was just so nice and friendly and amazing full of these cute little shops and every other store was a surf store it was so adorable and theres this one long street rite in front of the beach where no cars are allowed...it's all bikers and walkers and runners and skaters uh its ust amazing and adorable and friendly and happy everyone was sooo nice there. there were just people walking up and down the srteets saying hi 2 everyone and everyone had a board and people were playing guitar walking along the streets it was just incredible and i loved it so much it made me feel so relaxed and happy. then we went 2 L.A. which was amazing i saw my cousin tay again once more b4 she went off 2 ucla for orientation and then the next day we went 2 DISNEY!!!!!!! OMG DISNEYLAND! I WAS SOOOO HAPPY!!! i mean okay its no disneyWORLD...but still it's disney...i had SOOO MUCH FUN!!!we went on pirates and haunted mansion a sttar wars and ate cotton candy and a cookie and yum! good! i watched the parade and i was sooo sad cuz the castle was covered but its okay just watching the parade i started crying i love disney so much i really do. and for this parade they picked like 40 guests at the park 2 particiapte in it and so there were like all these guys dancing around the streets of disney land in capes and tootoos lol. there was this one guy who was muscular and all tatoed and dressed in black who was dancing around in the parade ina tootoo!!! it was sooo great and i realized i totally want a guy like that. a guy who loves disney and isnt afraid to wish upon a star and be a kid and dance around in front of EVERYONE in a tootoo...that's the kind of guy i want. after the parade we went to california adventure and i love it its so cute and we went on tower of terror and soarin over california and california screamin roller coaster which is like the BEST roller coaster ever it's so much fun. after that we went 2 downtown disney for a bit and shppoed and stuff. I GOT OUSE EARS!!!! I'M SO HAPPY!!! i spent wayyyy too much money at disney but whatever it was so worth it!i had like the best day at disney. *WISH UPON A STAR*!!! the next day we went to hollywood and SHOPPED!!! omg i bought EVERYTHING ELVIS!!! haha its really sick it is. i bought an elvis shirt two elvis hair things elvis mints elvis belt and an elvis bag. i was listening 2 elvis all vacation 2 and i got a picture of the elvis in the wax museum...i would so marry him if he were still alive dude...i would. really cool but so unhealthy lol. yea but we went 2 the wax museum and walked on the walk of stars and saw the chinese theatre and there were all these people on the streets dressed up as superheroes and just wierd things trying 2 make money it was so gr8. then we went 2 santa barbara 2 see tay's sis jordy (jordan...isn't it great how they're sisters and they both have names that could be used for either a boy or girl or as a first or last name?...i think that's sooo cool)and it was sooo gr8 2 see her again i talked about maybe moving out there for school which would be awesome and she helped me figure out how 2 sketch my halloween costume. next day drove all the way down 2 rite oustside monteray and stopped at the madonna inn which was the most "imaginatively" decorated place i've ever seen(scariest frickin' thing i've even seen in my life!) 2 eat ( the sugar ont the table was pink! lol)finally the last place we went was san fransisco which was really cool. i loved shopping on the wharf on pier 39 and possibly the craziest thing that happened all vacation happened there. it's a long story but 2 make it short this twenty-sumthing year old thought i was 21 took me 2 a bar after he finished working in a store we met in at pier 39 and bought me a drink and we talked and hung with his coworkers and had fun and he was a gentleman and made no moves after finding out i was 17 lol. that was a cool nite. crazy but cool. just adding one last thing about san fransisco...it has the coolest bums ever. it was just an all around awesome trip and with evan being in cali at the same time and us calling eachother back and forth like everyday when we got bored, well that just filled up the gaps that would have been tedious otherwise but became incredibly amusing with conversations about buses full of asians and about san fransisco's finest homeless population. they were very enlightening discussions for both of us...thanks dude. so finally i am happy i was happy all but two days of th trip and i just had an amazing and incredibly awesome time. i loved it and i'm pretty happy now. i just wanna keep thinking like this forever cuz i'm so content with myself and so ready 2 be free! yea man!!! so i'm just gunna take things as they come as much as possible from now on and just be cool about things. so now i'm gunna put up a song i wrote while in california here it is...
Title:Searching For Something More By:Me
so i'm drivin in he old seat
in suburbia New York
where i'm goin at this time
i'm not really sure
i got a head full of dreams
they say just won't really come true
but my heart is full of suffering
and it knows what to do
i gotta wake up and listen
look around and see
there's just so much world
waiting there for me
Chorus:
and so i
won't drive down the same old road
this ride is my last
i gotta
break up the concrete of the roads that lead to the past
zoom by with the top down
and the wind all through my hair
life's leading me someplace
i don't know exactly where
but i can't go back to where i was before
cuz i'm searchin for somthing more
so i'm ridin in the passeger seat
California bliss
took to the airborne highways
and i haven't been back since
the sun and sand have calmed my heart
opened up my mind
no worries of life back home
i've left it all behind
because i
can't wait forever for my real life to begin
cuz here i'm happy
i feel good inside my skin
Chorus
they say all roads lead back
to where you first began
well i'm sorry to dissapoint the masses
but i've got different plans
chorusx2
i'm searchin for somehing more!
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[10 Aug 2004|08:20am] |
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one of my fish was already eaten!
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| i heart my new fishies and disney!!! |
[09 Aug 2004|11:51pm] |
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mood |
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hopeful and disneyish |
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today was actually the best day i've had in a while i guess. it was so exciting i finally got my b-day present from leanne which was...FISHIES!!! omg we got the COOLEST ONES!!! there were these fish called mickey mouse sumthin fish and they had the mouse ears on their tails!!! it was so amazingly cool so i HAD to get them. i got two of those and named them mickey and minnie(what u expected donald and pluto?)and then i got this other really cool one that fades from orange to yellow to ornage again and it reminded me of like those good humor popsicles u know? so i named it popsicle. i got the coolest pink marbles and little glass disks 4 gravel and white fake plants and a castle ( just like the disney castle!!!) to put in the bowl so it's all pretty!!!!! and yes, it's an actual fish BOWL!!! HOW COOL IS THAT? like an old fashioned bowl for my fish, like in lady and the tramp. we always just used tanks for all our fish but this time i have an actual fish bowl which i think is really cool. then after setting up my fish and getting them situated at their new home, leanne drove us 2 el mallo and we listened to the disney fireworks wishes soundtrack and i started CRYING listening to it. i LOVE DISNEY soooo much!!! it's such a touching, meaningful thing for me and only leanne and my brother get it, but it really does make me wanna wish upon a star, and turns me into a little kid again, it makes me feel like all my dreams can come true. i love it so much. then after that we went 2 port jeff for a little bit which was fun and now i'm home. so although i left afew things, all in all, it was a pretty good day.
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| i'm never THAT girl |
[04 Aug 2004|02:00am] |
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mood |
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jealous, sad, angry...not good |
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I Was Wrong by:Me
it finally happened
the tears they rolled
out of my eyes
and carried my soul
thought you were different
thought i could change
but you hurt me now
this feels so strange
you were the only guy
who ever cared
but i still lay down and cry
it's so unfair
Chorus
just like a river
flows to the sea
your goodness captured
all of me
and i need you
i can't have you
but seeing her loving you
everyday
there's just no doubt
you feel the same
and she needs you
she can have you
just leave i'll be fine
i was good when you came
you messed me up
and gave me the blame
how i fell so hard
i'll never know
but watching me fall
is your favorite show
and you were the only man
who ever saw
the person i truly am
past the flaws
Chorus
but it HURTS
and it BURNS
that it's her not me
that you TRUST
and you LOVE
with all your being
she needs you
i can't have you
she has you
i NEED you
Chorus
it finally happened...
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| the truest deepest heartbreak comes from realizing your dreams will never come true |
[03 Aug 2004|12:34am] |
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i finally realized no matter how many times i've been beat down or inspired this summer, or been depresed then uplifted, lost faith and then seen a miracle occur this summer, the truth remains...i've been ignoring my life for over 3 years. i have to finally face what's here and come back down to earth. my dreams are just supposed to stay here not in the big city. i'm just destined for life just like everybody else. was it so wrong to think i was something special. that i was made for more than smithtown?
cuz i'm so in love with WHAT WE WERE...
"Undiscovered"
Take it back, take it all back now
The things i gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips,
I miss that now
I can't try any harder than i do
All the reasons i gave, excuses i made for you
Are broken in two
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you
Don't walk away
Touch me now how i wanna feel
Something so real, please remind me
My love, and take me back
Cuz im so in love with what we were
Im not breathing im suffocating without you
Do u feel it to
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you
When im in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door,
Its then i know my heart is whole
Theres a million reasons why i cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Cuz i dont wana be alone
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you, I need you
Cuz i cant fake and I cant hate
But it's my heart
Thats about to break
You're all i need
I'm on my knees
Watch me bleed
Would you listen please
I give in
I breathe out
I want you, theres no doubt
I freak out, I'm left out
Without you, im without
I'm crossed out
I'm kicked out
I cry out
I reach out
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
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| miss you by: Caitlin Ross-Poteet |
[02 Aug 2004|01:30am] |
Miss You by:Caitlin Ross-Poteet
Wish I could still smell your hair
The memories still everywhere
The pain inside
just won’t go away
People say it’s over now
I’ve got to carry on some how
Each time I try
My eyes just seem to rain
Chorus
Life goes on and so do I
But each day I look towards the sky
I miss you
I miss you
Life goes on and so do they
But we’ll all just never be the same
We miss you
We miss you
People take advantage of
The way I talk of all your love
How can it be
That you’re really gone?
Try to ignore all I feel
But in the end it’s always real
I’ll never have
The touch of your hand
Chorus
Life goes on and all seems well
But this home has turned to hell
I miss you
I miss you
Life goes on and seasons turn
But sun or rain this hole still burns
I miss you
I miss you
Each day
You grow further away
And I
Never got my goodbye
It was so long ago
But for all that I know
It was just yesterday
It still can’t be true
That I can’t talk to you
Please hear all I say
I love you
I need you
I see you
I feel you
I hear you
I smell you
I sense you
I miss you
Both Chorus’s
Life goes on but not for long
Without you I just can’t be as strong
Life goes on but not as free
When you left so did part of me
I miss you
We miss you
I miss you
I miss you…
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| "Inside"- the most important song i've ever written |
[01 Aug 2004|01:15am] |
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this is the most personal and important song i've ever written. it sums up so much of what i've felt ever since middle school and basically tells a lot ofmy story. so just read it and know this is me and make whatever you want of it...just don't tell me i'm wrong about it because this is me.
Inside by: Caitlin Ross-Poteet
My blonde hair it swings
My fingers in rings
The clothes to die for
The strongest allure
But I wonder what it’s like
To be loved for what’s inside
Leather and lace
Makeup on my face
The curves on this girl
Make any heart twirl
But I wonder what it’s like
To be loved for what’s inside
To be seen by any man
Wonderful for who I am
Chorus
And you don’t know
How it feels
To be loved for something and only something unreal
And you don’t know
This sweet child
Mind so full of thoughts and tender heart so mild
My fair skin it glows
As I powder my nose
Perfume leaves it’s sent
Boys think I’m for rent
And I wonder what it’s like
To be loved for what’s inside
Look down my shirt
To you I’m such a flirt
Sex appeal so rare
I feel the burn of stares
And I wonder what it’s like
To be loved for what’s inside
To be known as someone who
Can do all she dreams to do
Chorus
And you don’t know
All the pain
To know you’ll never see who loved you most again
And you don’t know
All the tears
When you realize that you’ve lived a lie for all these years
Holding on
I feel so far gone
Keeping strong
Is my existence wrong?
This empty shell
Confidence shot to hell
But I turn around and free
The beauty deep in me
But I know it’s she
You will NEVER SEE!!!
I still wonder what it’s like
To be loved for what’s inside
See the girl I’ve always been
See the star that shines within
And you don’t know
You may not care
But I’m telling you that from now on my soul is bared
And you can’t know
Who I am
Unless you take some time and try to give a damn
Both chorus
And I wonder what it’s like
To be loved for what's inside...
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| i hate long island, love 80's entertainment, and hafta accept my cynical attitude 4 now |
[31 Jul 2004|10:49pm] |
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so today was, um, yea. i went 2 new jersey for my grandmas birthday party and spent the whole time playing with a 5 year old and a 7 year old. they were cute but um yea i don't even know how to act around people my own age. how am i supposed 2 act around little kids? i'm really not sure i want kids at all. thankfully my dad let me leave today with my brother instead of leaving monday with him, my grandma and carol. and surprisingly, that car ride with him was some of the best conversation i have had in a while. i found out i'm much more like him than i thought. i followed his pattern of social habits almost exactly. in sixth grade i tried to be a popular bitch but ditched that idea by seventh grade. he did the exact same thing. then in high school he started out with a bunch of friends but by senior year he started drifting away from everyone. which is exactly what seems 2 be what's happening with me. we also discussed how today's pop culture SUCKS!!! and how the 80's rocked and how we both wish we grew up in different generations. we discussed how there are very few individuals in the world and the people who listen 2 "alternative" and wear black and chains n shit are just part of a different group, they're not individual, they're just less typical. we talked about how disney world was the most magical place in the world and how disney in general especially the old stuff is just the best thing ever in the world, how long island and new jersey are the worst places in the world, how our family has completely crumbled, how we're both just cynical but with good reason, ANGELINAAAAA (OH BABY!)other tough chicks, girl guys, friends, relationships and just tons of other great stuff that i really needed to get out, but that i didn't feel like i could say to anyone else. i just hafta accept that i'm not like a lot of the people around me. i just hafta live how i need 2 live, no one else's idea for how i should live my life will do.
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| it's hard being wierd |
[30 Jul 2004|10:01pm] |
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ok so yes i failed my road test for the second time. my friends passed the second time. it doesnt feel good to be me right now. ya know i've always known that i'm just a wee bit different from most people, but i've never realized how much it sux. i can excell at things most people don't even think of, like improv or making pointless fashion sketches or knowing more shallow beauty and fashion products than most people i know, but when it comes to normal and important things that actually matter and will help me in life, i can do NOTHING!!! i redefined the saying "you suck at life" because in a way i do suck at life. i suck taking care of normal everyday expected shit like a job and school and driving. ya know the stuff that can actually get me somewhere in life. so can sum1 please tell me why i'm here?
what am i here for if not what everone else does. why can't i have a normal job? why can't i drive? why can't i sit in class for more than 10 minutes? it makes me feel like such a loser. if i'm not capable of doing what every1 else does, than am i just here on this planet for a good laugh when others see how much i suck at doing normal shit? because that's sure what it feels like sometimes. i'm not sociable either. i can't hold or start a normal conversation with anyone ever. not even my friends. i should just be a fucking hermit for christs sake! thats another thing...i don't believe in chrits! i don't have a faith! i'm completely lost when it comes to having faith in anything or even anyone. i don't trust anyone...but ya know what, with good reason. but then again not such good reason. i don't trust people becuase other people have screwed me over in the past. so basically i punish people for other's mistakes. not fair i know. i dunno why i do it. so if i try to go with who i am... i'll end up as nothing. if i go against who i am...i'll be sumthing but i'll probably be miserable. so what do i do? or do i give it time and myabe i grow out of it, or maybe force myself out of it? whatever i do it has to be soon because i feel like i'm slipping away from being human. everyday i make myself a little bit colder, a little less likely 2 cry, a little more likely to isolate myself. it's sad but i dunno what 2 do. ::sigh::
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| let's go back, back to the beginning |
[27 Jul 2004|01:26am] |
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i feel so wierd 2nite. like i just wanna start over. and i realized im so glad this has been the worst summer of my life. confused? so am i. i'm glad people hated me for doing things i saw nothing wrong with. i stood alone but made it through. i'm glad people hurt me and screwed me over, i grew a thicker skin and know to trust my gut from now on. i'm glad i was mean and cold-hearted, its howed me what i was doing wrong. i'm glad i had no boyfriend to pick up the phone and cry to, i learned to work things out myself and make myself happy. i'm glad my father hasn't been that close to me, i learned to become more independent. i'm glad i've felt so alone, i learned just staying in at night can be refreshing. i wanna know how i let myself suffer so much sometimes though and how to get over it. but i'm pretty sure i'll be fine even if i don't have all the answers. i just wanna start over and go back to the beginning. rewrite my life as i see fit. since i can't do that i'll just hafta do the best i can. first i'm starting my own boot camp for myself. no more junk food and lots of exercising. what can i say kristine u inspire me. secondly im gunna really consider who i shud let in close to me and how long it shud take before i completely trust them. i'm gunna respect myself and speak my mind but in a less insulting way than i have been. make sure i have a solid argument if i feel the need to confront some1 about something. thirdly goodness guys are a tricky tricky topic. i'll just hafta be careful but throw caution to the wind at the sane time. don't ask me how to do that cuz i dont know. i'll find my prince charming maybe. even if i dont thats okay. i have me and friends and family and my passion. love is nothing so quickly develpoed. love is not staring at someone in class who's cute, love is not the first kiss on the first date, love is not something that can be pushed or forced, love is not something that can be easily chased away. true love lasts a very long time, if not forever, and no matter where or when or if it ends, a part of that love will always stay with you. love has no regrets, just memories. i've been in love twice...but never TRUE love. my love has met many of these requirements, but never all of them. if your love has met all of them and you are my age, you are very, very lucky. love is not pretend. love is not a piece of jewelry or a painting. love is not sometimes the lyrics of a song, but usually not. love is a simple gesture. love is not a thought. it is pure feeling. love is rarely found in someone you barely know, if it is you are lucky but be sure, for many have been fooled by "love at first sight". there is no such thing. love is blind. i'm not in love maybe someday i will be. if i could take it all back i dont know if i would but some of it i definately would. i've been a fool for much lesser things. no one should suffer false romance type of love, but an even worse type of heartbreak comes from that of a false friendship. your love should be your best friend. not your only best friend but one of them. love is patient and kind, it will wait forever if it must, but knows it must live on in the absence of its truth. love is beautiful but has its ugly moments. love is love thats all. no questions asked. it just is. thats all. i need a break. i need l.a. i need my life back ineed to start where it all ended. i need to go back to the beginning...
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy
[Chorus:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin
'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind
[Chorus]
I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming...
[Chorus x2]
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
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| poison ivy and pie |
[25 Jul 2004|01:59am] |
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i hate poison ivy it sux. i am very very itchy. i dont like poison ivy. it makes me itch. i do like pie. pie is good. especially rachels pie. rachels pie is very good. it tastes good. the end.
i hafta say i love the way i'm not in love and thats okay
he stood and slicked back his black hair
then forgot i'm alive
the other made me promise i'd always be there
but now I ALONE must survive
how come i never noticed before?
you're the only one i cry TO
instead of FOR...
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!
I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down
So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!
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| fellin stronger than ever, i'm finally feeling right inside my own skin...and my computer works! |
[24 Jul 2004|02:36am] |
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well tonight was fun. it wasn't as i had expected but still fun. the concert thing was rained out but Entropy still gave a little concert in chris a.'s basement which was cool. then after that me, jon, rachel, drew, kao, amad, and both chris's wen to hooters. AWESOME grilled cheese and fries...and we found out that you really don't hafta have huge hooters to work there (lol rachel, me and you workin at hooters). as if that weren't enough of a male pig night we went back to rachels house and made jon's dream come true...rachel made us all pie lol. his wish of having his girl in the kitchen was granted which is kinda bad for women everywhere but rachel makes AMAZING pie lol. earlier today kristen, chris, leanne, steve and i went to the movies to see the Notebook but we came to discover that we got the times wrong so we went to see I, Robot instead, which was surprisingly kick-ass! i loved it! i'm gunna leave you with a song that comes straight from the heart that i just finished writing so yea read it or don't whatever.
Title: Different Kind of Girl
so i'm a small town girl
in a big city world
that's how i wanna be
with my lowcut shirt
i'm gunna flaunt and flirt
cuz that's what's fun for me
but i don't wanna pleasure you
that's not what i was made to do
i'm livin for myself
a bit different from everyone else...
Chorus
i'm a different kind of girl
livin in my own world
shakin my stuff
to look and not touch
see i'm a different kinda lady
i'm too strong for ya baby
risin to the top
impossible to stop
well you gimme the eye
as i'm passin by
you're an easy read
and i ain't no tramp
don't label me with your stamp
i'm not helpless or in need
i'm stronger than you think
no matter how i pout and wink
i won't get down on my knees yea
cuz i'm not easy
chorus
don't try to bring me down
i don't need you around
cuz i'm a little wild
that's just my lifestyle
and i'm good on my own
just look how much i've grown
happy just being me
and i've never felt so free
so let me fly
Chorusx2
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| COYOTE UGLY!!! AHHHWOOOOOO!!!! |
[19 Jul 2004|07:16pm] |
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I'M GUNNA BE FAMOUS!!! watch out cuz i'm holdin nothin back! i'm gettin over a certain sum1 and livin happy single and a working woman...and i'm not talking about mandalino's. i'm talkin about the big city. i'm finally gunna get my career performing back on track by the end of the summer. it's gunna be awesome because thats what i belong doing! performing! it's my life and i'm gunna live it full to the brim! on saterday i went into the city to see Avenue Q which was hilarious and when i was there i felt so at home. it was great being in the city again even if it was only for like 5 hours. it's the greatest place in the world and i wish i could spend every second of my life there. but since i cant, when i go home i write my music, sing, look for auditions, look for new monlogues and songs to sing, record some songs, look for photogaphers for head shots...i finally feel like i'm doing something with my life. this summer has sucked so far but senior year is gunna rock! i'm gunna be super busy with boces and hopefully auditioning. thank god for art, without it i'd be lost. lets see yesterday was interesting...i'm never ditching any1 again if i can help it...it feels like crap and now i KNOW that. woohoo! its so fun! god please i spent half my night at home having a good cry and i knew this was gunna happen but whatever. i'll get over it. no more tears. i'm just lookin to my career and myself to get by in this world from now on. i have new hope and it's full steam ahead to a life in hollywood and nyc! speaking of which i might be goin 2 the city of angels itself mid-august! woohoo! hollywood here i come!
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